THE REAL CHRISTMAS: LESS FAIRY LIGHTS, MORE FEELINGS (A gentle counselling guide for when the season feels heavy)
If the pre-Christmas atmosphere makes you a little tense, a little tired, and maybe even a little ready to hibernate — you’re not alone. Many people smile politely through December while quietly feeling overwhelmed. It’s not a personal failure; it’s a very normal response to an emotionally, financially, and socially intense season.
We can be honest about this. Honesty might actually save your sanity.
THE PRE-CHRISTMAS RUSH: A CLEVER DOPAMINE TRICK
Polish psychologist Dr Marzena Sekuła says it openly: retailers adore the early build-up. The earlier we step into the festive atmosphere, the more we spend. Decorations work like a “dopamine bandage” — a tiny emotional lift right when the darkest part of the year rolls in. And yes, research shows people who decorate earlier feel happier and appear more friendly.
But dopamine doesn’t fix the deeper reality: family tension, emotional fatigue, difficult memories, boundaries we’re scared to hold, and the quiet ache of wanting a version of Christmas we never had.
THE GAP BETWEEN THE FANTASY AND REALITY
Most people don’t have the glowing, peaceful, harmonious family gatherings we imagine.
They have noise. Criticism. Old roles. Overwork. Grief. Loneliness. Sensory overload.
They have an inner child who remembers other Christmases — the ones they survived…
And research consistently shows:
• almost 9 in 10 adults feel holiday stress
• family gatherings are one of the top triggers
• estranged or low-contact adults find Christmas the hardest time of year
• December magnifies unresolved emotional wounds
So if you’re feeling stretched, heavy, or conflicted — your nervous system is responding exactly as it should.
THE WARM GLOW OF GIVING — AND WHY IT CAN FEEL LIKE PRESSURE
When we give gifts, our brain releases oxytocin — the hormone of trust, bonding, and emotional safety. Psychologists call the effect “the warm glow”. It even begins before we give the gift, when we’re imagining what someone might enjoy.
But meaningful gifts don’t always come from shops.
Dr Ewa Jarczewska-Gerc notes that when people really talk about their needs, they often want:
• time together
• shared experiences
• rest
• connection
Presence, not perfection, lasts longest.
THE PRESSURE TO MAKE EVERYTHING PERFECT
Psychologist Halina Piasecka says December tricks us into thinking we can fix an entire year in three days — beautifully decorated, impeccably cooked, emotionally harmonious.
Meanwhile, we’re exhausted.
Her advice is simple: lower the bar.
Lower it again.
And then lower it a little more.
Closeness doesn’t need a perfect setting.
Magic grows between people, not in décor.
A phrase I often share with clients:
I don’t need to do everything. I can choose what matters.
COUNSELLING TIPS FOR A CALMER, KINDER CHRISTMAS
Name what Christmas brings up
Say it out loud. Write it down.
Naming reduces overwhelm and helps you understand your emotional needs.Lower your expectations
Let go of the perfection script.
Choose: “good enough”, “peaceful enough”, “restful enough”.Don’t fall back into old family roles
You’re no longer the child who had to keep the peace, fix everything, or stay silent.
Choose who you want to be this year.Use the Boundaries Menu
Gentle, short phrases can protect your peace:
“I’m leaving at 3 today.”
“I’m not discussing that.”
“I’m taking a quick breather.”Notice guilt — but don’t obey it
Guilt is a reflex from old conditioning, not a sign you’re doing something wrong.Regulate your nervous system
Small resets help:
• long exhales
• cold water on wrists
• grounding (5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear…)
• stepping outside
• a walk (walking dissolves conflict better than talking)If you’re estranged
Estrangement is not failure; it’s self-protection.
Create a new Christmas: gentle, slow, safe, quiet, yours. I truly recommend books titled “Drama Free” by Nedra Glover.Create a Pleasure List instead of a task list
Choose one small enjoyable thing each day.
Joy doesn’t need to be big — it needs to be consistent.Walk more
Walking improves mood, digestion, blood sugar, and emotional regulation.
It also lowers the risk of arguments. And it’s free.Simplify giving
Give experiences, time, care, attention.
Give in ways that feel sustainable, not pressured.
IF CHRISTMAS FEELS HEAVY THIS YEAR
You’re not doing the season wrong.
You’re simply human in a month that demands emotional immortality.
Let Christmas be quieter this year.
Gentler. Softer. Yours.
If anything in this blog feels close to your own experience, and you would like a safe, grounded space to untangle it all, you are very welcome to reach out. I offer counselling in person in my cosy practice in Jersey, Channel Islands, as well as online sessions for those who prefer the comfort of their own space. Together we can look at family patterns, boundaries, estrangement, anxiety, grief, burnout and that deep tiredness that often shows up around Christmas — and gently begin to create something different for you.
You can find more details and book an initial consultation through my website: www.soulhealingcounselling.com or by emailing me directly at soul.healing@icloud.com. If this season is feeling like too much, you don’t have to carry it on your own.
With warm wishes,
Alicja 🌱
